Mo Fanning - British writer and comic

Writing

When a character loves another but doesn’t like them

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Like and dislike

Why it’s important to explore the connection between love and like

Whether it’s friends, family members or romantic partners, in our lives we have to navigate relationships with people we love but don’t much like. This experience is universal, yet rarely explored in great depth in the media we consume. But why? To explore this further and to inspire your writing, here are five reasons a character loving another but not liking them is so important to explore:

It’s a complicated feeling that many of us have experienced

The love that we feel for people we don’t particularly like is complicated. It’s rarely pleasant or easy to understand, but it’s something many of us have been through. So why is it important to explore and understand? It has the potential to explore universal themes and human experiences; themes such as love, the power of familial and romantic relationships, and how childhood experiences feed into our adult relationships. It can also help create a deeper and more complex understanding of characters’ relationships, be they friends or lovers. It can show us that people in relationships don’t always love each other in the same way … or to the same extent.

It builds empathy for characters and their relationships

Love HeartThe feelings of love and like are often confused and conflated, but they are different things. Like is an emotion that can be given, but love is something that is taken. And yet, we often mistake like for love, especially in our relationships with others. Like can be given and taken at will. Whereas love is a decision that is made through choice, and often comes with a sense of obligation. When we see a character in a relationship with another person who they love but don’t much like, as writers, we might want to explore the reasons for staying in the relationship, and what their experiences are teaching them about love and relationships.

It helps us question what we deem as “likeable”

Most of us have certain standards for the kind of people we allow into our lives. Depending on your age and relationship status, those standards might be different. When we’re younger and in school (or still even now if you are in a career that requires you to be more sociable), we are often encouraged to interact with a wide variety of people. We might even be encouraged to “befriend” people we don’t particularly like. We might even be given the advice that you can’t judge a book by its cover. But as we grow older, we often narrow the people we let into our lives and surround ourselves with people we deem as “likeable.” We might dismiss the idea of a friendship with someone we don’t like. We might even dismiss them not liking us back. Unless like me you’re vaguely neurotic and will spend every waking minute wondering why.

It can help build conflict and tension in a story

Sometimes, the best way to explore the connections between characters is to break them down. When we explore a romantic relationship with a couple who love (but don’t like) each other, we open up the potential for conflict. We explore why these two people in love don’t also like each other. Why they stay in a relationship. What are the reasons behind the tension? What are the hopes and fears of each character? What is each character’s role in the relationship? What are their strengths and weaknesses as individuals and as a couple?

It showcases the importance of consent and boundaries in romantic relationships

Writing loveAn important aspect of romantic relationships is the consent and boundaries between the partners. Romantic relationships are often built on the illusion that the partners are treated by the wider world as a unit. But in reality, romantic partnerships comprise two individuals with their own desires and needs that need to be explored and understood. When we see a relationship where both partners love but don’t like one another, we might explore why. We dig into each character’s desires and needs, and their understanding of the other person. We explore why they stay together, and if they’re getting what they need from that relationship.

Conclusion

As writers, we get to explore a variety of themes and human experiences. We explore the nature of love and like, the importance of consent and boundaries in relationships, and the impact that childhood experiences might have on our adult relationships. We can also use this type of relationship to explore themes such as friendship, the power of familial love, and the complexity of romantic love. With these themes in mind, we should use these relationships to explore a variety of topics and issues, and create more complex and multi-dimensional characters.

 

Rebuilding Alexandra Small

Why do I write?

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Writing for writers

I write partly because it’s way cheaper than paying someone with a framed certificate on their magnolia walls to sit and listen to my deepest, darkest thoughts. Partly because I can’t find enough books to spark joy in me. They exist. Obviously. Some years back, I finished reading a novel and longed to read another just like it. A book that sparked the same delight. I struggled.

I found myself on one of those peer review sites that were big ten years ago. The challenge set was to submit the first three chapters of a ‘work in progress’ for feedback. The most popular chapters picked up a professional critique. I’d written nothing more involved than a shopping list, but didn’t let a lack of skill stand in the way. My story sparkled. It was the kind of book I would love to read. When most everyone else on the website was done they tearing it apart and telling me how bad it was, I tried again. I grew thick skin and kept going. I got my professional critique.

My reason for doing this is because someone once told me I could. I still can’t find enough books that spark joy. We cook the food we crave, why not write the books we want?

Kitchen

I’ve published a couple of novels – one coined in sufficient readers to pay for most of a fitted kitchen – a modest affair, but still. I’m done with being the weekend dad cheering their kid on at the egg and spoon race.

The story I plan to work on next is an idea I had a few years ago, when I wasn’t ready to tackle the subject. It wouldn’t go away, and kept popping back up, waving and suggesting twists and turns. I realised I could thread in my own experiences, and use the story as a way to draw a pen portrait of my recently deceased mother. In full colour, the way I choose to remember her. And because there are nowhere near enough mainstream novels that deal with growing up gay and feeling anything but proud.

Now is the time, mostly on account of how the pandemic has robbed me of my few social skills, and I spend more and more time far from the maddening crowds. But mostly because it’s a story that keeps nagging about how it wants to be written.

What are words worth? My take on the Gervais special

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Trans flag

Someone asked me the other day if I was offended by the latest Ricky Gervais Netflix special. When I asked why I should be, their answer came down to him having a go at trans people. And Trans is the T from LGBT, so it’s part of my community.

I am a fan of Ricky Gervais and so I watched it. Was I offended? I suppose I was. Gervais is a much better comic than this special suggests – his body of work has shown him able to shine a light on what lies behind the spoken word. And when he broke off from a hideous belittling of trans women to announce that ‘in real life’ he doesn’t think this way and that he’ll say whatever it takes to make a joke funny, I groaned.

Was this where I was supposed to unclench my buttocks? His ‘catch all’ get-out came over as a context-driven version of ‘some of my best friends are black‘. Like a concentration camp worker insisting he doesn’t want to shovel bodies into gas ovens, but hey, the wife likes nice things, whatcha gonna do? Twitter is top-heavy with folk who include ‘live laugh love’ in their bio then spout some of the most offensive views possible.

Mockery

I’ve enjoyed his power play pops at high-vis targets – the Hollywood glitterati, animal abusers, men and women on the take, but how is a trans person in any way asking for mockery?

Suella BravermanAt the tail end of last week, Attorney general Suella Braverman called trans detractor JK Rowling her heroine, and insisted schools do not need to accommodate trans pupils, calling on them to ignore and marginalise trans children … because under-18s cannot legally change their gender. She wants to take away their voice. It’s another form of power play, this time shooting bullets from a different gun. I lived through and marched against the Tory Section 28 rule banning schools from telling me it was OK for me to be gay. And now I see the same happening to those who identify as trans.

Researchers found using trans kids’ pronouns, their correct name and wearing the clothing they want significantly cuts the risk of attempting suicide and experiencing depression or anxiety.

I don’t claim to be any kind of expert on what it means to be trans. I do know what it feels like to be told you’re not as good as everyone else because of who you are.

When asked to defend his comedy, Gervais told BBC One’s The One Show: “These are just jokes. They don’t mean anything.” Try telling that to the Twitch Mob out in force to defend him when others voiced objections. He told The Spectator, his jokes were aimed not at trans people but at trans activist ideology. His love-the-sinner defence makes me wonder if he watched how Graham Linehan set his life on fire and decided he wouldn’t mind some of that.

‘Supernature’ opened with an announcement that Ricky Gervais is a ‘man who doesn’t need to do this’. And I wish he hadn’t.

How can you research characters if they doesn’t exist?

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Creating characters

One of the hardest parts of writing characters is getting the balance right. It’s indisputable that anyone who creates a character puts something of themselves into their work. Their habits, beliefs, unconscious bias and prejudices will inevitably surface.

But that’s fine, because when you write well-rounded characters, the details of your own life add vibrancy and authenticity.

But there is a risk. In early drafts of my next book, I made my characters too much like me. They were thin and two dimensional, and didn’t have that necessary X factor that makes them someone the reader would want to engage with. Someone whose life is changed by the events around them. Someone caught up in a bigger drama.

So how do we avoid that trap?

Researching characters

When writing, I spend a fair bit of time researching the places I am talking about, the issues I want to surface, buildings, streets, cities, towns. But I also research the people I create.

That might sound weird. How can you research someone who doesn’t exist, who you just made up? I spend weeks getting to know these characters and deciding what makes them tick. Sometimes those weeks end with me deciding not to go forward with their application to play a role in my story.

Each character study is a set of behaviours, a set of habits. Each person has a history, a past, hopes and dreams, friends and enemies. They’ve all had to make difficult decisions and mistakes.

Going inside

To get the balance spot on, a writer has to go inside themselves and think about the things that make them into the person they are. Their foibles and flaws and idiosyncrasies. Things that they wish they could change about themselves. Things they are proud of, and the kind of person they aspire to be.

I try to think about my values, what I would do in someone else’s shoes. I sit in the character’s head, and work out what they are thinking given what I’ve found out in my research. What are their problems, and how could I reach into their skull and solve each one.

How do you create your characters?

A dark romance I wrote today

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New York Romance

It’s been a while since I’ve released a book. People have been asking me when the next one is coming out, and today, I’m excited to announce that my new dark romance novel will be out towards the end of this year.

New York CityThis new book is special to me because it’s set in a city I fell in love with: New York. I’m still trying to decide on the final title – there are several in contention – and my beta readers are hard at work telling me what’s wrong. (Yes, I take feedback very seriously!)

It’s the story of a father who lost touch with his gay son due to words spoken in haste and his journey to reconnect. The main character, Silas, is an interesting man who weeds gardens and (once a year) dresses up as Santa. I’m sure you’ll love him as much as I do!

What they said about ‘Rebuilding Alexandra Small’

I’ve also received some wonderful feedback from my readers on my most recent book. Here are a few testimonials:

“A book that was easy to get into from the star.”

“Told in a chic lit format but with a gritty core”

“Witty and fast-paced”

“A lovely, fun, summery read that’s also smart and moving. Definitely laugh out loud so don’t say I didn’t warn you”

OK, so I’m shamelessly plugging my new book. But please buy a copy of my earlier books as well! They’re all available on Amazon and make great gifts for the romance reader in your life. Thank you for your support!