• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

Mo Fanning - British writer and comic

  • Home
  • My Books
    • The Armchair Bride
    • Rebuilding Alexandra Small
    • This is (not) America
    • Five Gold Rings
    • Talking out loud
  • About Mo Fanning
    • Mailing List
    • Support my writing
  • BLOG
  • BUY SIGNED COPIES

Neighbours

Moving stress

November 2, 2021 by Mo Fanning Leave a Comment

Curtain twitching neighbour

Moving house is supposedly one of the more stressful things we put ourselves through. Add in one of those awful weekends life likes to chuck your way from time to time, and you have the recipe for Xanax.

As weekends go, the one that just ended was rubbish – even by my low standards. My husband broke down in a torrential downpour on a major motorway with no hard shoulder. One of these new fangled smart motorways that killed 38 people in the few years. My dog picked up a skin infection that is now costing an arm and a leg in mature cheese to disguise the crushed up pound-coin-sized antibiotics a sadistic (and now extremely well-off) vet prescribed. I dropped and broke three highly pressurised glass bottles of traditional lemonade (living the high life). You wouldn’t believe just how much mess that causes. And just how far the shards of glass will travel. And just how sharp they are when you sit on one. And how hard it is to administer a plaster to your rear that stays put.

To top it all, our soon-to-be ex-neighbour from hell decided to have one last go at sending me over the edge.

Neighbour from hell

When people talk neighbours from hell, they usually mean some antisocial creep who plays loud music, smokes way-too-much weed and/or smears windows with excrement. Or variations on those basic three themes. My appalling neighbour does none of this. He’s of the ‘nice to your face, vile behind your back’ sort. The kind of person who used to dominate the 90s gay scene.

Over eight years, he’s policed a dim, barnacled, smelly area of no-man’s-land between each flat in our ancient under-maintained building. The kind of place you could keep a prisoner of conscience secure in the knowledge they’d crack within hours and spill every secret. Our neighbour spends each and every waking hour making sure nobody dare set foot in this precious scrap of hell.

We wanted to make sure the space didn’t put off flat buyers. We came to an agreement with the people who own it to clean it up and fill it with plants.

Neighbour wasn’t pleased.

Usually, I’d be able to tell such a man to shove his displeasure firmly up his hoop. Sadly, he gets to say whether we can extend the years on our lease as we sell and get moving. I have to lap it all up. And rather than tell me to my face, how did he choose to announce his irritation? That’s right. By email. Through his solicitor.

Moving shame

Dear reader, I’m ashamed to say I threw myself on his mercy. I rammed my tongue so far up his rear end it came out of his mouth.

So far, the matter looks to be resolved, and it’s only cost an extra £1700 in legal fees to send a letter to five or six different people. Still, if it means we get on with moving house and away from this awful man …

Why am I telling you this? Because I want to set down what life in Britain is like in 2021. The NIMBY (Not in my back yard) culture that expects everything should run only for the benefit of those in power slides down even to my lowly level on the ladder. That and I want to make sure I don’t forget the details and the rage so I can use it in my next book.

And use it I will.

Filed Under: Anxiety, Diary, Stress Tagged With: Brighton, Diary, Moving House, Neighbours, stress

5 things that confirm your new neighbour is a serial killer

July 1, 2021 by Mo Fanning 1 Comment

Neighbour

Did the lovely, sweet old lady who bothered no one pass away? Was she found in her hallway, one malnourished hand reaching for the door handle? Do you have brand new neighbours – and nice as they seemed to be (when they insisted on introducing themselves that day you were picking up dog shit in your worst pyjamas), could they be part of a death cult? Is your new neighbour a serial killer? Will they one day come knocking for a cup of sugar and ask if you too hear the voices?

Here are five telltale signs.

Solar garden lights

Solar lightsIf there’s a tree, it needs a string of lights. The same goes for their gazebo, trampoline and split-level pond until their back garden is lit up like the Las Vegas monorail. Lights that resemble flaming torches – they’ve got 20. If it doesn’t move, it’s crying out for a string of flickering, fit-inducing multicoloured bulbs.
(cf sinister wind chimes)

Hot tub

Who wouldn’t enjoy seeing their new neighbour in budgie smugglers sipping prosecco while his good lady parades around in a one piece? This is the UK, not a villa near an Algarve golf course. At some point, they’ll plant pampas grass – an open signal to every poorly toned pervert in a ten-mile radius.

Slogan signs

At my age I need glasses signThey won’t draw the line at ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ or ‘We don’t skinny dip, we chunky dip’? It’s not enough to laugh (and laugh and laugh and laugh) about wine being one of their five a day fruits. True sociopaths express themselves by covering each and every surface and wall with dead behind the eyes signs purloined from garden centres or TK Maxx. These are the sort of people who also own a heavily laminated, full-sized photo of Steven Seagal.

Firepit

Smokeless fuel be damned. Throw petrol onto a bag of damp wood from the Texaco garage and gather round an upturned bin lid to make like Bear Grylls at one with nature, shaded from the elements by a 4×4. These people deserve to die in a house fire.
(cf patio heaters)

Ridiculously large barbecue

Gilligans IslandWe’re not talking supermarket sausages over charcoal. A true serial killer sets up an outdoor kitchen, like a set from Gilligan’s Island. They’ll have a cabinet of cutlery, wine chillers, blankets in case it gets chilly, covered crocks and a Sarah Lee gateau. Aware of the UK’s (notoriously non-existent) nighttime mosquito problem, they’ll surround the area with citronella candles, causing all you consume to taste of lemon toilet cleaner. Your fellow party-goers will include their huge extended family who all drive people-carriers and every other neighbour you already hate and don’t talk to.

Filed Under: Modern life is heck, Stress Tagged With: Neighbours

Primary Sidebar

About Mo Fanning

Mo Fanning (@mofanning) tells jokes on a stage and writes commercial fiction. He’s the bestselling author of The Armchair Bride and Rebuilding Alexandra Small. Mo makes fabulous tea – milk in last – and is a Society of Authors member and cancer bore.

Join my mailing list

When you join my mailing list, you’ll get the inside scoop on all of my new books. You can find out about every book I publish as soon as it’s released and has made its way to Amazon and other online retailers.

By subscribing, you agree with Revue’s Terms of Service and Privacy Policy.

Follow me on Twitter

My Tweets

Secondary Sidebar

Rebuilding Alexandra Small by Mo Fanning
The Armchair Bride by Mo Fanning
this is (not) america
Five Gold Rings by Mo Fanning
Talking Out Loud by Mo Fanning
Society of authors member

Footer

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • Instagram

All content copyright Mo Fanning

  • Books by Mo Fanning
I use cookies on my website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies.
Cookie settingsACCEPT
Manage consent

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
CookieDurationDescription
cookielawinfo-checbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytics
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
Others
Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
SAVE & ACCEPT