Laughable, larger-than-life populist, Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson continues to struggle with one key demographic: suburban women. This despite having extensive experience of fathering children. In a ‘magic sauce’ attempt to win them over, Johnson is to launch a series of steamy, sexy romance novels with gold embossed covers and single word titles.
“Time and again my ‘Tottymeter’ has gone off as a young woman delegate mounts the rostrum at conference,” Johnson told the press, “and I figured the pretty young things need something to distract them from trying to do a man’s job.”
In the first novel, GROIN, an Olympic volleyball player finds herself distracted by dashing dandy Johnson who compares her to a “glistening wet otter.”
The title will launch a series where Johnson sires children, hotfooting it before his name is committed to any birth certificate. He’ll inhabit a range of overtly masculine personas – swashbuckling pirate, cowboy, Lord of the manor and prime minister – though Johnson has specified none of the books should feature single mothers as it’s “feeble” for a man to be unable or unwilling to “take control of his woman” and that Britain needs to “restore women’s desire to be married”.
“Women are just crazy about me,” Johnson said. “All my conquests have dyed blonde hair and pouty lips, and a steely blue stare, like a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital.”.