COVID-19: The end of gay life as we know it - Mo Fanning

COVID-19: The end of gay life as we know it

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Thanks to COVID-19 – aka Corona – the world is on a massive duvet day, albeit one with the added risk of a slow, lingering death. Alone, eaten by a cat.

Literally the only thing anyone wants to talk about these days is self isolation. It’s like when people at work show you pictures of their children. I can’t find a way to care less. I’m an introvert with OCD tendencies. Being told to stay indoors and wash my hands every few minutes is bliss.

We’re supposed to club together and remember the blitz.

Any gay man old enough to actually remember the blitz is a Brexit-voting, property-hogging panic-shopper who lies about their age.

During the blitz, people went to their beds not knowing if their house would be standing in the morning. I lie awake worrying I paid too much for hand sanitiser in that frenzied eBay auction that got out of hand.

COVID-19 is anti-gay

They say a virus doesn’t discriminate. That’s not true. COVID-19 hates the gays and could mean the end of LGBTQ life as we know it.

2020 Grindr has become a shirtless LinkedIn.

There’s talk of cancelling the Eurovision Song Contest. We’re nothing without gay Christmas.

Single gay men will retreat behind closed doors, only to emerge blinking into the light come August, holding up an arthritic claw and declaring they’ve completed Pornhub.

What matters most is losing contact with our straight friends. Without your Primark mistakes to mock, we become empty vessels. Spare a thought for your Gay BFFs. Send selfies and demand feedback.

We’ll meet again.

By Mo Fanning

Mo Fanning is a British author of dark romantic comedies including the Book of the Year nominated bestseller 'The Armchair Bride', 'Rebuilding Alexandra Small' and 2022's hit holiday romcom 'Ghosted'.

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